Shedding the Dragonskin of Discontent

I got more emails and facebook comments from my last contentment exercise than any other post and thought, hmmm, maybe my dear luminous friends have an issue with this like I do.  So, here is a bit of my story with discontent.  We'll keep talking about it bit by bit over the next few weeks.  Have courage, my sister, to look into the abyss of your own soul, as one early desert father would say, and be willing to roll up your sleeves with the help of the Holy Spirit.  Freedom takes courage.

A few years ago the Lord pulled back one of the dragon skins (like Eustace in the Voyage of the Dawntreader by CS Lewis) of my heart and revealed a thick skin of discontent.  One of the major culprits? I always looked forward toward something else that would make "it all better" a pot at the end of the rainbow if anything is!  The future certainly would be better than this, I thought.  Unfortunately, I was so busy dwelling on what life wasn't giving me, that I would miss the gift of the present. 

I read "Calm My Anxious Heart" by Linda Dillow and loved her chapters on contentment.  Those chapters revealed how thick discontent really was through my everyday life.  I woke up holding discontent tight like a treasure, wore feelings of resentment like armor as I cleaned, and it spewed out of my mouth when I was chatting with friends.  Not too pleasant a dragonly sight.  My husband was finding me scaly and difficult.  This was a thick dragon skin that demanded more than just a confession.  It had to be ripped off scale by scale by God himself.

I needed my mind renewed by Truth Himself...given through the Word and as we "reasoned together" in a journal.  Scripture memorization was one of the only ways I could find that would "slay" the dragon skin.  Then, each day I kept a contentment journal.  This issue created too much havoc in my family as well as my own heart to just peak in at it, forget it and still live in the mud.  I know that if I don't learn something now, I will end up learning it again.  I wasn't going to miss this opportunity. 

If you feel the same way, go get "Calm my Anxious Heart" and read the contentment chapters then find yourself a pretty journal with empty pages to encourage your conversation with the Lord over this issue.  If you are like me, this dragon skin will be thicker than you imagined. 

On the inside cover of the journal write Philippians 4:11-13 slowly committing it to memory: 

I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.
And what was his secret?

I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.

Couple that scripture with Ephesians 1 that says that the same power that raised Christ from the dead is available to us!  Wow.  That's potent resurrection-creating stuff!  I want that in my life!

Just that scripture alone has the power to slip many dragon scales from tender skin. 

You'll find after you have shed the thick dragon skin of discontentment that you are more luminous than ever.  We can worship much better when we aren't complaining all the time!

My Sabbath Yesterday

Why do I Sabbath?  Joy. This picture was taken from my phone around 12:15pm.  I just wish I could share with you the gentle sound of Lake Michigan lapping the shore, the smell of the hot seagrass and the sun warming the stress right out of me. 

A day off (mine begins at noon and goes to around 9pm on Tuesdays) gives me time to play, to think, and to process.  I discover moments of silence. Whatever the Lord is inviting me into, I spend extra time learning and focusing on that subject.  It's our date time!  In fact yesterday was a day of victory.  I can't tell you how thankful I am to the Lord that the 1 plus 1 plus 1 that He had been teaching me, finally made its way to an equals 3 in my heart, not just my head. 

Later I worked out, hunted a bargain at TJMaxx, watched Robin Hood (love Maid Marion) and then hung out at Barnes and Noble, coming home with loads of green tea induced energy.

Even without caffeine, the energy continued.  This is one of the reasons I believe in Sabbaths.  I had enough energy to deal with three children in my bed at 3 am last night gasping under blankies through hours of thunder storms.  Eventually Andrew got up to work on his 6AM Bible study, the baby went to sleep and the older two and I had lotion foot massages, trying to giggle through the fear.  The energy didn't stop.  Today I had enough energy to garden and plant the window boxes on the little yellow cottage.

I've had time periods where a weekly Sabbath didn't work, when I was home with a new baby, when I couldn't find a babysitter, and when there was an emergency in the parish.  I always have to hold it lightly. So, I pray.  If a Sabbath is what the Lord wants for me, He will make it happen.  I pray for the health of my babysitter, for the joy of my children during the day that I'm gone, and for wisdom on how God would like me to spend my time.  He knows best how to usher me into rest.

Matthew 11:28-30 (The Message)

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly."

For some of you this Sabbath idea is just a pipe dream.  You can't imagine how it would be possible.  I invite you, my sister-friend, to just pray about it. 

There are about 85 women who read this blog on a weekly basis coming from all walks of life from all over the world and all of us need refreshment.  Some of you just had babies in the last few months.  Wow.  I love you.  You are in the middle of the beautiful and the messy and the exhausted.  And some of you take care of family members and can't imagine how you would get a few minutes to go to the grocery store by yourself let alone find hours to replenish.  He knows, my dear friend.  He knows your need for deep breaths and quiet, for time of laughter with friends and to have your heart cared for by your Abba.

I invite you to pray and to dream.  What would a day of refreshment look like?  What energizes you?  Cooking, gardening, reading, putting your feet up in a coffee shop with a great novel?  

Do your best to try this just once a month.  Even if you don't have a spouse who understands, find ways to accomplish your time out without help. Exchange babysitting with another mom so that you can have a Sabbath every other week.   And then, next month, comment to tell the other 85 about how it went. 

Need a scriptural basis for what we are doing? Read Lynne Baab's book, "Sabbath Keeping." 

Need inspiration? Read "The Too-Busy Book" by Linda Andersen. (Amazon) You will love my friend's lovely book of encouragement teaching women how to take retreats of all lengths. 


   

Monday thanksgivings

Waking up slowly but then jumping into the car to catch the Memorial Day Parade. 

Laughing at Andrew's free train of thought. The Mounted police are more dignified in thought than actuality. 

A big breakfast of pancakes with crunchy buttery edges smothered in nutella, bacon and fried eggs presided over by Daddy.

Zee Avi, Norah Jones and Michael Buble singing around breakfast table, slow dancing while flipping pancakes


A day with two parents full of "knowing" looks


Cuddling on the red couch with Madeline, reading Corderoy

Laughing hysterically over Maddie's "I know more than you, mom." 

Caedmon finding more desire to read. 

Andrew wrestling the two older, getting their crazies out.
Holy Trinity yesterday was unplugged, but full of heart-felt praise


The Spirit promises to come when we ask!

Divine Soup: Homemaking as Kingdom Work

I'm having an HGTV night, happily exhausted after a day at the beach with the kids, and watching Dear Genevieve.  I love her contemporary traditional design style and her Anthropologie fashion.  She wears tall brown boots over her jeans like I do and I just decided after watching her that I need a linen vest to go over my white button downs too.  But, what I just had to blog about was that in the middle of a busy bathroom redesign on a rainy day, Genevieve just brought a huge copper pot of squash soup to her craftspeople and said, "When you treat people well, they create more beautiful things."  

The role of a homemaker is under appreciated until confident men and women just start loving people through their gifts, food and otherwise.  When we undervalue our gifts, other people often do too.  It is the difference between a present nicely wrapped and one brought out of a Walmart bag.  Hospitality is more than a science, it is an art. 

I was bookless in a Barnes and Noble on my day off (an oxymoron, right?).  They didn't have a copy of the book that I've been slowly working through on Tuesdays.  I grabbed a copy of the Shack off the rack and opened up to a random page.  I was sucked in immediately.  Papa was cooking dinner and baking a pie.  I sighed with joy.  God prepares a table before us.  (Psalm 23:5a)  Wow.  God cooks for us.  Sets the table and brings a hot steaming bowl of something to share between us.  He invites us to sit down to nourishment and be fed with love. 

I've always interpreted the last verse of the Psalm: "and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever" as sleeping on a pew and sneaking food out of the church refridgerator.  Somehow that seems a bit sterile...love at arms length.  This is one of the huge problems of the modern church.  Everything seems depersonalized.  We're lucky to know the name of the person who shares our pew let alone have eaten in their home.  We're too focused on consumerism and quantity instead of quality in our discipleship and relationships let alone our resurrection.  Hospitality is one of the missing gifts of the church.  How will "they know we are Christians by our love" if we do not open our homes and hearts?   Real life gets fantastically messy.

Everything tastes better when made by someone who cares.  The chefs in Italy came out to meet us as we walked into their restaurant.  We found La Gargotta high on a hill looking over the Duomo after being told that the chef cooked only Tuscan-style food, the locals favorite trattoria.  He regaled us with seasonal delights (Tortolloni with nettle flower) and family favorites like rosemary infused beef and we carried on a conversation with the chef through their waiter, who beamed with the compliments.  We are not at Olive Garden anymore.

In a poem by Denise Levertov, The Acolyte, the main character makes "bread that is more than bread" by baking blessings right into the dough. That's what true homemaking is all about.  Food should connect us to communion with eachother and with God.   

I visited an Eastern Orthodox couple in their urban Indianapolis around Easter one year and found that their kitchen table was tucked underneath a shelf that had a large icon of Rublev's Trinity.  They were including themselves at the divine table, aware that a meal could become not just food, but a participation in More. 

Taking a Picture to Help My Short Term Memory...Literally

The tourists are back in town with cameras big and small and today I joined them...out of a pursuit for truth.  I've had a bad attitude lately...and my short-term memory has been lousy.  Essentially I go through the bedtime routine with the new addition of daily baths and I fall exhausted onto the couch, frustrated over a day with annoying children.  And no, they were not annoying and no, it wasn't a bad day.  I just happen to be excellent at focusing on the stress and not the smiles.

Today I decided to use up the memory on my phone by literally taking pictures of our entire day together, the precious moments big and small. 

First picture: Caedmon was inspired to get ready for kindergarten by writing in his new lined notebook.  Madeline followed suit by learning to write a new letter.  Quiet productivity.  Interested learning.  There's nothing better.  Click.

An hour later Madeline came into the kitchen with an armful of boardbooks to read to X-man.  Click...only of course with a short attention span of a 10 month old, a minute too late.  By the time I had grabbed the camera, Madeline was chasing X with said books.  "Look at this one!"

I put Xavier down for morning nap to find that I had a few moments to read.  I downloaded Swiss Family Robinson on my phone and read a few pages of the original to an enrapt Caedmon.  I have no idea how much he comprehended, the language was thick with "said I's" and "personages."  Quality time cuddling on the red couch with my eldest and a book is heaven for an English major.  Click.

After lunch I put X-man into the Kelty backpack and the other two darling towheads into the double stroller and headed downtown for the above view and of course a quick bakery run for Morning Glory muffins.  Click.

Dinner was a picnic at the kids' park with friends.  The weather was sunny with a breeze.  Kids roamed free (sounds like a description of organic chickens:) AND I got to chat with adults while watching sailboats float across the horizon.  Click.

Recently I read that negative thoughts literally release toxic chemicals into the brain and positive thoughts release good hormones.  Wow.  That explains a lot.  So often I get to the end of the day believing a lie, that my life is horrible and whining, "don't I have it so hard!?"    The truth is just the opposite: "Every good and perfect gift has come from above" (James 1:17) I just have an embarrassingly bad short-term memory.  I'm like a child on Christmas morning after the presents have been opened, disappointed she hasn't been given anything special.  

I've decided that the truth is worth fighting for,  I just need a little digital help it to sink in.  I think I'll continue my pursuit of truth tomorrow at the beach.

The Thanksgiving Shift

All morning I've been muttering, "I have so much to do.  I have so much to do!"  Sound familiar?  Usually I can deal with negative thoughts and address them as they come up, but Xavier has upped the ante. 

Xavier the Happy has left the happy phase and entered the screaming phase.  He screams when he's upset.  He screams when he is bored.  He even seems to scream when he is happy at times.  My "I've got to fix everything that is wrong" brain is going absolutely haywire.  Breathe, Summer.  Breathe. 

These were my attempts at fixes:  I've made the dining room into a huge corral to play in.  He screams as I put him in, and screams even when older children are trying to entertain him.  I've brought special toys up from the basement with special electronic lights, giggle sounds and piano keyes and though they keep his interest for a few minutes, soon he's screaming again.   I've put him into the backpack to go up and down stairs to do laundry, clear dishes, etc.  and his scream is not "fixed", it is just closer to my ear!  (No, moms, he's not hurt, hungry or needing to be changed...) 

The whole time this is happening, my nerves are fraying and I'm thinking about the dirty floor that needs to be swept, the table full of crumbs, and the dust that has been piling up in the living room.  I'm getting more and more annoyed and I know thanks to neurologists that toxic chemicals are flooding my brain.  Just now as I passed through my bedroom, I looked longingly at my bed and the big white comforter that would have felt wonderful being pulled up over my head.  I can think of a hundren places I'd rather be.  I find myself fantasizing about daycare.

I had to go back to the first six weeks of having an infant in order to remember coping techniques for today.  Thanksgiving always seems to be my best way out of this toxic brain freeze: 

Thank you God that I'm putting this dish away.  Thank You that I get to push the vaccuum cleaner over this area of carpet. Thank You that I filled the washer with clothes.  Thank You that I was able to accomplish putting in soap and pushing the button.  Tiny thanksgivings.  My mom had a tape that said to focus on the power of one.  One dish put away.  One more dish put away.  Thank You.  One fork.  Thank You.

1 Chronicles 23:30 They were also to stand every morning to thank and praise the LORD.  They were to do the same every evening.

I'm the type of person who approaches each day with crazy expectations.  I recently wrote a list of what made a successful day and it had fourteen bullet points! 

I know I'm going about this all wrong.  Instead of showing up to the morning with a huge list, I should be thanking Him for every small success. 

I read this verse out of the daily office lectionary today:
Zechariah 4: 10 "Do not despise the day of small things." 

OK, God.  Duly noted.

Ahhh, quiet!  Naptime.

Italy

(This post has a lot of pictures.  Give it a moment to load.)

Italy was a continual transfusion of beauty.  It seems to push out of the ground wild.  Red poppies flushed across highways and crawled out of the rocks:

Calla lillies, wild and slightly transparent, grew under olive trees:

 and the breakfast table in the villa, where we were hosted by a family of winemakers, had this view:

So, after a full day of travel, walking baby up and down the plane aisles.

we arrived in Italy ready for the family vacation of a lifetime.

Highlights?

1. Walking through Florence with my Dad whose passion for life and compassion for people is contagious. 

2. A morning trek up to the vineyards and olive groves behind our villa:

3.Time to chat with my mom, truly one of my best friends. 

I enjoy any time I can get with this passionate woman:

Seriously, the truth is that I find my family so pleasurable to be with that I would vacation at Wasaba beach with them!  (Inside joke.  The truth is that we did vacation Wasaba, Canada when I was 13 until one sibling crawled under a bed and found a stash of beer cans:)  The only family-friendly restaurant was a open to the beach artery-filling McDonalds.  We found our way to Toronto within a few hours.)

4. Gorgeous, fresh food daily and one of the most beautiful dinners I've ever experienced as our vacation finale.  We dined in this 5th century tower until well after midnight.  The candelabra was just the beginning of the romance:

5. Time with my two handsome brothers:

This is Josh and I enjoying hot chocolate at the Rivoire on Florence's Uffizi Square.

This is my brother Aaron feeding Xavier over breakfast.  Children everywhere gravitated to him on this trip.  He'll make an amazing dad some day.  Both of my brothers have such a passion to see justice done around the world.  I'm extremely proud of them.

 

6. Watching my children's wonder and joy in a new language, new people, new customs.  The picture below was taken outside the Ammirable family home where we were invited to have a meal including the fascinating fried sage leaves.  This family runs a retreat ministry in the Tuscan hills.  I have a feeling we've will be seeing more of them in the future as Dad hopes to encourage their wine and olive oil business. 

 

The kids and I have been trying out new Italian words ever since we got home.  We ask them if they want piccollo or grande kisses before bed.

7. Caed was allowed to try on real midieval armor at Monteriggioni, a miniature walled city outside

Sienna: 

8.Prayer times and evenings chatting with my beautiful sister, Stephanie:

9. Climbing the Tower in Sienna:

For this view:

10. Cinque Terre for a day:

11. Time to gaze into this handsome man's eyes:

12. Time to enjoy one child at a time!  And the ability to have an 8 o'clock European dinnertime because of this lovely young woman:  Betty Jo.

 13.  Catching up with my best friend from high school and college, Jessica.  She lives in Pisa and is a youth pastor on the military base there. 

14. One of my dreams for the future was the Italian table full of family, passionate conversation and beautiful food.  With this vacation I can say: Check. Over and over, check.

Thanks for another fabulous vacation, Mom and Dad!