Dealing with Times of Isolation and the Fear of Depression

I don't like isolation. I go to coffee shops to be alone. I like taking my kids out of the house to the beach on sunny days, and the children's museum on rainy ones. But, when I had this last baby, I knew I was going to be going underground and wouldn't be coming up for air for about a year. Three kids under the age of five? I better severely lower my expectations. This is not good news for an extrovert and I was already fearing a descent into depression. I always have severe anxiety before my children are born, wondering how the new little one is going to make life different/more difficult, etc.


A few months beforehand, I went to work and went into preparation mode, listening (I should always be in listening mode, right? Right.) These were the gifts I received that made going into isolation so much easier.


1. A word of wisdom (divine revelation or just encouragement?) beforehand from my good friend, Erika. She said she saw me with a baby in a front pack, strollering my two older and with joy on my face. She imagined that I was entering that time with grace, loving being a mom of three and peaceful in my new circumstances. When I began to fear this outcome, I would remember her encouragement and thank the Lord for this outcome. Incidentally, although some days I was overwhelmed, underneath it all was an undercurrent of strength (definitely of the LORD! )


2. I took a retreat at my sister's house with my kids at Grandma's house a few miles away, to settle down, think and pray.  I knew I needed more than just a random hour or two to catch up on lost pregnancy sleep and listen to wisdom. I needed a 24 hour time period and my mom and sister were kind enough to help.

3. I reread Hinds Feet on High Places and was reminded about the little yellow flower named Acceptance with Joy blooming in the middle of the desert, lifting up her head to a drain pipe, thankful for what she was given. I began to trust that God would indeed give me what I needed when I needed it.


4. I determined that every day I was going to live in thankfulness..particularly for God's character. I followed Linda Dillow's advice in "Satisfy My Thirsty Soul," and made a list from A-Z of all the names/attributes/adjectives I could think of about God and tried to commit them to memory. It is hard to get beyond "D" without a renewed vision of life. If I could not think of anything to be thankful for, I would look outside and thank God for whatever I could see. "Thank you God for trees. Thank you God that it is summertime." Thankfulness for me was an act of the will.


5. At the time, I was doing a Bible study on the Apostle John by Beth Moore and she imagined what it must have been like for John sailing on a boat to the island of Patmos where he would most likely be in a work camp with only the most hardened criminals as fellow passengers. He had no idea, she said, that in the midst of his isolation, he would see revelations of the glory of God. What a great thing to pray, right? We can pray for visions of God's glory to surprise us in the midst of our isolation. As I prayed for a new vision of God's glory, fear was beginning to fade away.


6. Finally, I read an autobiography by LeAnne Payne talking about how she learned to practice the presence of God (thank you Brother Lawrence), abiding in God (John 15) on a minute by minute basis. She so inspired me that I read a few more of her books, including Listening Prayer, which should be a standard for everyone.  She taught me that prayer was not something that you did a few times a day, but a dwelling in, listening for the word that God is always sending.  I had never experienced such peace.


And darling friend, I was given that amazing gift! Sometimes, in fact after the difficult isolation was over, I wanted it back! I had never felt so full of the Lord and my need for spending time with other people diminished considerably!  I was able to stand up straight (not needy) in a listening posture, enjoying the abundant, fruit-filled presence of a loving God.

I put this out there for anyone who might be going through something similar, but also to remind myself, (I'm good at forgetting) if I ever go through a season like this again, I will go to truth first, to my library second and never go back to fear.

Acceptance with Joy

Tonight I confessed to my Bible study girls around our little table that sometimes my heart isn't in mothering. I was speaking from experience. Read: today. Last night, I stayed up seriously contacts-glued-to-my-eyes late. Then, my wake up call was Xavier's hungry cry...thus, no quiet time and thus, no Perspective. And all day I was tired, craving sugar and a bit short.

I DO have a point. I promise.

All that to say that I NEED my heart to be in mothering! The days I want to shut the kids up with artificial babysitters (read Tag and tv) are the days that no ones' real needs are met.

Recently I listened to John Eldredge's Desire conference which is free on his podcast itunes site for download. (Get thee hence. AMAZING. I've mentioned it in another post.) He entreated us to live with our hearts alive and to have vocations spring out of that. Yes, But. Some of us are called to vocations that are dear to the Lord's heart like mothering which sometimes is more a test of endurance and rarely makes my heart skip faster. (Though come on Summer...cuddling with the little creatures on the couch tonight was definitely a sweet moment.)

A dear older mother I know from another church listened to me last September share about the 1 and 4 am feedings. "Does he go right to sleep?" "Yes, thank goodness" "Oh" she smiled, "then it just gives you enough time for a quick little cuddle." Hmmmmm I was sleep deprived and exhausted on many levels. In response to her sweetness I have to say my not so Christian first inclination was to react snarkily and then I determined that a change in my mindset would indeed make life easier. "Take every thought captive" and all that.

I want my heart to be engaged in mothering. I NEED my heart engaged in mothering.

There's a little yellow flower that Much Afraid in Hinds Feet on High Places meets in the Valley of Loneliness (or some such place) who has grown right up under a drainpipe, catching a drink from the occassional drip. Much Afraid is surprised to find a lovely flower in a desert and asks, "What is your name, little flower?" The flower replies, "I am Acceptance with Joy."

Acceptance with Joy. That can only be a purely supernatural way of being. Acceptance with Joy can only come through the Holy Spirit, a type of transmutation of fruit, an apple/pomegranate/plaintain: peace, joy, gentleness, etc.

Yes. Sometimes we don't get to choose our circumstances but joy and acceptance I CAN choose. I can choose to lift up my heart along with my little yellow face and look for the drip knowing that if it has come from my Lord, it WILL BE ENOUGH! He is always enough.

I can abide in the Vine and He promised that He will abide in me and there...there is where my life comes from and how my heart will be engaged. And that is not optional. It is essential.