Acceptance with Joy

Tonight I confessed to my Bible study girls around our little table that sometimes my heart isn't in mothering. I was speaking from experience. Read: today. Last night, I stayed up seriously contacts-glued-to-my-eyes late. Then, my wake up call was Xavier's hungry cry...thus, no quiet time and thus, no Perspective. And all day I was tired, craving sugar and a bit short.

I DO have a point. I promise.

All that to say that I NEED my heart to be in mothering! The days I want to shut the kids up with artificial babysitters (read Tag and tv) are the days that no ones' real needs are met.

Recently I listened to John Eldredge's Desire conference which is free on his podcast itunes site for download. (Get thee hence. AMAZING. I've mentioned it in another post.) He entreated us to live with our hearts alive and to have vocations spring out of that. Yes, But. Some of us are called to vocations that are dear to the Lord's heart like mothering which sometimes is more a test of endurance and rarely makes my heart skip faster. (Though come on Summer...cuddling with the little creatures on the couch tonight was definitely a sweet moment.)

A dear older mother I know from another church listened to me last September share about the 1 and 4 am feedings. "Does he go right to sleep?" "Yes, thank goodness" "Oh" she smiled, "then it just gives you enough time for a quick little cuddle." Hmmmmm I was sleep deprived and exhausted on many levels. In response to her sweetness I have to say my not so Christian first inclination was to react snarkily and then I determined that a change in my mindset would indeed make life easier. "Take every thought captive" and all that.

I want my heart to be engaged in mothering. I NEED my heart engaged in mothering.

There's a little yellow flower that Much Afraid in Hinds Feet on High Places meets in the Valley of Loneliness (or some such place) who has grown right up under a drainpipe, catching a drink from the occassional drip. Much Afraid is surprised to find a lovely flower in a desert and asks, "What is your name, little flower?" The flower replies, "I am Acceptance with Joy."

Acceptance with Joy. That can only be a purely supernatural way of being. Acceptance with Joy can only come through the Holy Spirit, a type of transmutation of fruit, an apple/pomegranate/plaintain: peace, joy, gentleness, etc.

Yes. Sometimes we don't get to choose our circumstances but joy and acceptance I CAN choose. I can choose to lift up my heart along with my little yellow face and look for the drip knowing that if it has come from my Lord, it WILL BE ENOUGH! He is always enough.

I can abide in the Vine and He promised that He will abide in me and there...there is where my life comes from and how my heart will be engaged. And that is not optional. It is essential.

mommy vitamin by one of our founding mothers

"Well, knowledge is a fine thing, and mother Eve thought so; but she smarted so severely for hers, that most of her daughters have been afraid of it since. "
— Abigail Adams

I am embarrassed to admit that I didn't know motherhood took such serious smarts. This was one of my pre-children feminist enlightened mindsets. Motherhood, I thought, wasted the minds of intelligent women. There, confession doesn't always feel good. I had no idea how many day-offs (because I believe that every mother needs one in order to keep her sanity) I would spend in the library and bookstore devouring books about early childhood education, nutrition, smart discipline, and household organization. I HAD NO IDEA that motherhood would take all that I had to give and more.

I believe that the most important time in a mommy's day is in scripture and prayer. There is no way that I can have the love, joy, peace, patience etc. that I need unless I am filled with the Spirit, practicing the Presence and LISTENING to the word of Wisdom God desires to give. The other day I overheard Madeline telling Baby this, "I'm going to tell you a story of a bad little girl, and that bad little girl is me." Wow. Did Madeline really believe that she was bad to the core...and that she was defined by that? I believe that it was the Holy Spirit who quickened my mind to catch those words and then to understand what those words meant to Maddie. I pulled Madeline up on my lap, looked her in the eye and said, "Madeline, you are my good girl. Jesus forgives the bad things that we do and then makes us good girls again. YOU ARE A GOOD GIRL." Her face lit up and said in a high pitched voice, "Good girl. Good girl." I spent the next week telling Maddie that she was my "good girl." Each Much of her whininess and acting out began to stop.

Sometimes it "feels" like my prayer time is empty. I haven't really connected. But, it always whets my appetite for more. It makes me thirsty. The kids wake up. I put on my favorite Sara Groves pandora station or Fernando Ortega station and I keep praying through the morning. Other times I have been given wisdom right in the middle of my prayer times for that day's mothering. Sure, sometimes it is a short 5 minutes because of baby's early wake up cry, but always VITAL to prime my listening-to-God ability for the rest of the toddler-paced day.